The third installment of my Iconoclasts parody video series, starring the super talented Danielle (True Jackson, VP) Bisutti.

Episode Two, Christopher Walken and Christian Slater feat. Sean Kanan

Episode One, Brad Pitt and Ty Pennington feat. Kato Kaelin

An Open Letter to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay:

Today you enter our penal system to start your incarceration for violating your parole on drug and alcohol charges. It is a sad day indeed, for you, Hollywood and all your fans that you have not alienated with your “Party Girl” Bacchanalian behavior. While you’re in the Grey Bar Hilton for the next 9-12 days, perhaps you could use the time to reflect on your life so far, and make positive decisions that will lead to a brighter future.

That’s where I come in. I have come up with the perfect way to fix your situation and get your life and career back on track.

Hang out with me.

Now, you’re probably thinking, how is that going to help me? I’ll explain.

1. I am a large, fat man. Next to me, you will always appear thin and petite, no matter how much you eat. So, you can forget about staying slim and working out all the time to fit the Hollywood Mold. Plus, watching me eat is like watching a wood chipper reduce a mighty elm to mulch. Your appetite will naturally be curbed without the use of cocaine, diet pills or self-induced vomiting.

2. Being a person of size, I can protect you from whoever may be bothering you, be it a pushy paparazzo, an overbearing fan, or, your dad. This will eliminate your need for a bodyguard.

3. I like to drive. You are horrible at it. I will drive you in your expensive car wherever you want to go, be it a trendy nightclub, a Taco Bell drive-thru or rehab. This will eliminate the need for you to pay a driver, and any more drunk-driving arrests. It’s a clear Win/Win.

4. I’ve had my share of horrible stuff happen to me over the course of my life. I will regale you with incredibly depressing tales of my childhood/adolescence. Your recent troubles will seem minor when cast in the unblinking sharp relief of the tales of woe I will weave from my brush with death at birth, growing up a lonely fat child in Detroit (Detroit for Christ’s Sake!), to taking my own brother off life support. Did I mention that in addition to being fat, I'm deaf in one ear and have a lazy eye? See, you’re smiling already, aren’t you?

5. People have told me that I am funny. I’m a comedian, a “crying on the inside kind I guess.” I will make you laugh with self-deprecating humor, sardonic wit and my stable of silly loser characters. This will make you feel better about yourself and your current situation. Think of it as natural Zoloft.

6. I am not attracted to blondes. So, there will not be any sexual tension or weird awkwardness between us. Just think of me as your big, overly-protective brother. Unless you go back to your natural vibrant sexy red locks, or, God forbid, hot brunette like in I Know Who Killed Me (yes, I’ve seen it), then all bets are off.

7. I tell long-winded, confusing and often pointless stories, full of circular logic, tangents and intensely detailed descriptions of things that don’t relate to the rest of the story. In your effort to stay focused your mind will tire. These stories will wash over you like a wave of Dilaudid™ and lull you to coma-like sleep every night. When you are asleep, you are not out partying and getting into trouble. Just call me the Whore Whisperer. Not that you’re a Whore. Seriously, I would fuck Colin Farrell if I had the chance, too.

8. Any drugs passed to you by “friends” or “family” or “managers”, I will do so you do not have to. I know you like Cocaine. I will do your Cocaine for you. And, Fat Comedians and Cocaine don’t have a stellar track record together, so that should show you how dedicated I am to your sobriety.

9. I am an avid reader and decent writer. I will read the scripts that come in for you, if they still do, and weed out any parts that involve you playing a drug-addicted, alcoholic party girl. And, any porn scripts, too. Because, let’s face it, you keep doing what you’re doing and that’s just right around the corner.

10. I am conflict-averse, so I am pretty good at talking my way out of a fight. Which will probably come in handy when you go off on someone, hit someone’s car or spill “someone else’s drink” on your alcohol-monitoring anklet.

So, to recap, Ms. Lohan, with my program of hanging out with me, you will feel better about yourself, you will no longer need a driver, a bodyguard or a therapist. You will drop from the Tabloids’ purview because; Sober Lindsay is not a story. It’s too positive. That doesn’t sell papers.

You will finally be well rested and sober for the eventual day when your drunken, drug-addled chrysalis begins her Drew Barrymore-like transformation into the Hollywood Power Mogul butterfly you were destined to become.

Something to think about while you are serving the fraction of your 90-Day sentence. See you in about a week.

Sincerely,

Kirk Diedrich
Follow @kirkdiedrich on Twitter